There's an Octopus in my tub

I saw this at the store yesterday and couldn't resist purchasing him.  I tossed him in my bathtub last night and this morning I checked to see how much he'd grown ... not bad, he's expanded by a few inches.  The package stated it will take 72 hours for him to grow to maximum size, so I'll have to take a few more pictures to document his growth spurts.  You're welcome.

In case you're wondering, his name is Graffiti.  I don't know why, it just made me laugh.

Now you're jealous you don't have an octopus in your tub ... admit it.

Yeah, I believe in Zombies but not Aliens.

I absolutely believe there will be a Zombie Apocalypse.  I don't doubt it, in fact I prepare for it.  I do NOT, however, believe in the existence of aliens.  The idea of bulbous headed, green-skinned, large eyed bipedal creatures is just complete fantasy in my opinion.  Now that you know my stance on aliens, let me share with you an email I sent to my spouse yesterday ...

This is a lamp!  You can find it here

"I had to hang up with you because I had someone standing in my doorway waving a paper around to catch my attention.  So I turn around to see a guy with dark brown, thick, thick glasses, missing three teeth [without me trying to count the lost ones], untucked black and red flannel paired over a food stained [I think the original color was] white tee shirt, and a badge.  Crap.  He's an employee, so now I have to help him.

He wants to know if I will type something in to the computer for him.  Um, what?  He wants more information on something he saw in the news and doesn't know how to access it.  Um, ok.

I just know his breath is going to smell so I tell him to head to a computer and I'll be right with him.  Deep breath of clean air and I'm off to help him.

He literally wants me to type - here's where you get to start snickering - "20th Annual International UFO Convention, Scottsdale, Arizona" into the search bar. Apparently the conference is running Feb. 24th through the 27th and he wants information to attend.

I managed to stop from slapping my forehead or him.  I explained that these computers are to be used for business or educational purposes.  He tries to argue with me that he wants to learn about UFOs.  By now, I'm backing away none too slowly.  I attempt to explain that learning about UFOs will not assist him with his job performance nor will it impact patient safety, so therefore it is not an acceptable use of company property [while still backing towards my office].

No joke, the guy stands up so quick he knocked over the chair, and with spit flying [how could it not fly? he's got no teeth to hold it in] he proceeds to tell me that it impacts HIS safety because he's been abducted before and they MIGHT be coming for him again [apparently the aliens might need more teeth] so he NEEDS to learn how to PROTECT himself.

I looked at the other three patrons and at the same moment, we all started laughing uncontrollably.  I think I might have uttered something like 'Tin foil hats should work' before I made it to my office.  I shut my office door.  I'm so done for the day."

Is it just me, or do those eyes look like olives?  Damn, now I want a Martini.

Picture borrowed from here

Yes my friends ... there WILL be Zombies, but there are no aliens.

This is Holly's Fault. Totally Holly's fault. I'm innocent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjMiDZIY1bM

So Holly sent me this link last week.  Because of her, I have been having zombie dreams [which really is normal for me] and this song haunts me during the day. 

Case in point: I'm in a meeting this morning and someone says "Your requests are unreasonable."
What do I hear? "We're not unreasonable.  I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes."
Then I tune out the meeting because I have a mental image of the zombie leader's air guitar solo [which starts at 3:04 in the video].  When I manage to struggle out of my zombie-like trance, I find that I have been volunteered for two assignments and I apparently agreed to do them [I'm pretty sure the head nodding was due to the mental air guitaring, not agreeing to the extra work].

Thanks Holly.  I'll be sure to sing "All we wanna do is eat your brains" in your honor while completing the project. *sticks tongue out*

You have now been warned of the dangers of watching the video.  Don't blame me if bad things happen to you!

Taxidermists Handbook

When my voodoo spells start working, I'm going to need this book so I can have fun with
my victims.  Just saying.

Valentine's Day ... Octopi Style

Ever wondered how octopuses spend their Valentine's Day?  Tangled up in each other!

I recently stumbled upon this fabulous artist Black Baroque who has excellent customer service.  Really, when is the last time you could say excellent and customer service in the same sentence and MEAN IT?  The president of the company is Poni [yes, it's a dog, and Poni is adorable!].

They graphically design animals/anatomy/flowers/Victorian designs and then print them on pages from books in the 1890s.  How charming is that?  I've also seen them use music sheets with octopuses printed on them.  I've ordered two and fully plan on ordering two more. 

Now, if they only had zombie octopuses [or just zombies], I would purchase enough to fill up one whole wall in my living room!

Here's a bit of information about their shop:

♥Paper: A gorgeous antique page from 1890.
This is a two column page with a border, considered in that day to be high end publishing as opposed to the common three page column, no border style used for lower budget publishing.

♥Illustrations: All of our illustrations are dated from the time period of the 16th and 18th centuries.

♥About your print: You will receive one book page but not the exact page as shown in this listing as they come from one book making each page one of a kind. The page size is 8 x 10. Frame is not included. Please keep in mind that one of the reasons we use antique books pages besides their beauty and they make for an interesting read, is to also recycle books that are no longer loved giving them new life. In the spirit of recycling we use book pages for our prints that have character flaws with some spotting, uneven printing and corner bending. All our book pages have that beautiful golden color that only comes from age.

Proof that Octopuses DO celebrate St. Patrick's Day!

Plants Vs. Zombies

So we spent two solid months fighting over the computer so we could play Plants vs. Zombies.  No, really, we did. 

At first we were all nice to each other ... we would say things like, "No, really, there's no need to rush.  Just finish that level and I'll take a turn."  Then it turned into "Ok, as much fun as it is watching you play, my turn started 10 minutes ago." 

This is the "Help Menu."  I love Zombie humor [and spelling!]

Which eventually progressed to trying to trick each other so we could hog the computer.  We'd say things like "The trash needs to be taken out, and it's too heavy.  Could you do it?"  or my husband would pull "I ran you a nice, warm bath." 

Technically, the first picture is an alien plant [created by Ali], but tell me it doesn' look like a PeaShooter!  Another reason Ali's art is awesome!

When those tricks started to wear thin, all the niceties were gone and what was left was a barely contained grouchiness.  We'd snap at each other and say things like "It's your turn to feed the animals.  Get off the computer now ... no, leave the game on.  I'll water your plants for you."

Best Halloween costume I've seen yet!

It got to the point where we would leave the game running while we were at work just so we could earn a few coins.  Yeah, there's nothing pathetic about that, right?  Need even more proof of our nerdliness?  We took pictures of the music video and "notes" from the zombies on my cell phone so we could send them to each other at work for laughs.  Often times we'd look at each other and bust out singing "I like your tricycle" and start giggling madly. 

Then we beat the game AND all of the special missions.  *sighs sadly*  So for the last two months our little game has been left behind.  In an effort to rekindle those fun moments today, I sent the song to my husband's email at work.  *grins*

Yep.

Borrowed from here

Zombies and the Holidays

Every year I try to convince my co-workers that it would be a nice idea for them to invite a Zombie over for the holidays.  Let's face it, a cemetery is really not a very festive place to spend a holiday [or any other day!].

So the next "big" holiday approaching us is Valentine's Day ... as the grocery stores like to remind me by displaying an over abundance of garish pink and red decorations.  So in the spirit of the upcoming festivities, I'd like to invite you to think about the advantages of bringing a Zombie on a Valentine's Date.

image borrowed from: http://www.thehindegroup.com/usa/voodoo_range.asp

I've listed a few of the positive aspects below:

• The concept of romance is unknown to zombies, so you won't have to overwhelm them with fancy language, sappy cards, or presents wrapped perfectly with glittery paper.
• They won't care if you send them flowers and balloons to their office.  Nor will they compare what you brought them with what everyone else received.
• Zombies will not say things like "Wow, bet her date shopped at [insert some brand name jewelers here]" or "Wow, check out the hooters on that one" while they are with you because they will be TOTALLY focused on you[r brains]. 
• You don't need to stress over what restaurant you take them to.  Fast food is just fine, thank you very much [as long as the food doesn't run too fast ... the zombie DOES have to eat, ya know].  They won't tell you what to order.  They won't "just have a bite" of your food or "taste" your drink.  Added bonus: if the service stinks, your zombie date will be more than willing to eat the waitress so you won't have to worry about what to tip them.
• There's no need to waste money by purchasing dessert while your date takes two or three bites and claims they're full.  Zombies don't care about dessert.  Ever.
• You can dress a zombie in whatever outfit you want and they won't complain or change when you're not looking.
• Zombies won't care what day it is, so if you "celebrate" Valentine's a day or two [or a week or two] late, you won't have to face their "I can't believe you forgot what day it is" look.
• Zombies will NOT get jealous over your exes.  They won't tell embarrassing stories about you to complete strangers [or your ex]. 

So there you are ... some truly positive reasons to dig up a date for the holiday.  Sure, there are minor inconveniences with taking a zombie on a date [like the fact that they keep trying to eat your brains] but really, the positive aspects WAY outweigh the bad.  Just saying.

Zombie Sanctuary

I was thinking about what will happen WHEN the zombie Apocalypse happens. If the government acts quickly then they should be able to contain the outbreak, but what would they do with the zombies they rounded up?

In order to assist the government with their little “problem” I should start a Zombie Sanctuary/Zoo. I could house all the zombies in the Sanctuary/Zoo [they could be separated by what area they came from or just let them wander around, whatever] and then charge people outrageous amounts of money to visit the park.

Now, this won't be like a "normal" zoo ... it'll be more like a wild animal safari type park. Which means that the zombies will be loitering around in their contained areas and visitors to the park will get to ride through the zombie's habitats in safari jeeps [seats with glass in the windows will cost extra]. The lack of windows and nothing to separate you from the wandering zombies will bring a whole new level of excitement to visiting the zoo!

Oh sure, there's that little problem of getting people to sign a waiver so that if you or a loved one gets eaten [there's like a 75% chance of not making it out of the park alive, which, understandably will cut down on gift shop sales, but that's why the entrance fee is so outrageous] you can't sue the zoo. Heh. That rhymes. Can't sue the zoo. hehe.

Just think how much a person will value their "I survived the Zombie Sanctuary" tee-shirts when they make it to the zoo's exit! Now there's a story to tell the grandkids! And you just know someone is going to want to feed the zombies, so I could sell buckets o'body parts for a nominal fee [if you don't make it out of the zoo alive, your loved ones can keep your souvenir bucket].

This is SUCH a great idea! So please donate money so I can get working on the Zombie Sanctuary/Zoo right away! Donations of over $10 will earn you a subscription to the Zombie Zoo Goreletter Newsletter. Thanks!

The Cranberries

So, my husband and I are driving and his iPod is playing.  A song comes on and I tell him the chorus sounds like they're saying "Zombies."  He stares at me blankly for a moment then explains that it's a song by The Cranberries called "Zombies" [appropriately named].  I called him a liar.  Guess what?  He's not.  I feel stupid.

Here's the lyrics for you ...

Another head hangs lowly,
Child is slowly taken.
And the violence caused such silence,
Who are we mistaken?

But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying...

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, dou, dou, dou, dou, dou...

Another mother's breakin',
Heart is taking over.
When the vi'lence causes silence,
We must be mistaken.

It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen.
In your head, in your head they're still fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are dying...

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, oh, oh,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, ya, ya-a...

Work Emails

We had a meeting last month and our supervisors reminded us that any emails we sent was equivalent to us speaking for the company, so we should not put anything in an email that we wouldn't want to see on the front page of a newspaper.  I'm never going to be important enough to be on the front page of a newspaper [unless I'm the first victim of a zombie attack, but I digress], so I've continued to send emails like normal.


Here's a shining example of my email correspondance:
From: Me
Sent: Wed, Jan 5, 2011 at 12:00 pm
To: Lori
Re:  XXX's lecture


Dear Lori,
This is the PowerPoint for xxx's lecture for tomorrow ... I won't be here to assist you, so you may want to bring the lecture on a flash drive :)
Me


From: Lori
Sent: Wed, Jan 5, 2001 at 12:31 pm
To: Me
Re: XXX's lecture


Ummm ..... I am very confused!! Are we having the meeting at <insert name of my employer here>?? No one ever officially got back to me about the availability.  Please clarify.  Thanks <Zombie Octopus>!  I hope you had a happy holiday!
Lori


From: Me
Sent: Wed, Jan 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm
To: Lori
Re: XXX lecture


So am I!  I have no idea where the meeting is ... I can't see the room scheduling calendar because I'm way too low on the totem pole and my voodoo spells aren't working [though I do now have a cramp in my left calf which may or may not be related to the voodoo spell attempt, but whatever].

No seriously, I really don't know if they booked you guys a room.  <Enter name of administrative assistant who earns almost as much as I do, even though I run two departments, here> is the queen of the room booking calendar.  I wonder if that title comes with a crown, or if she just gets a crummy "Calendar Queen" type sash.  Bet you it just comes with more work.  Bummer.


I always have a good holiday!  Especially since mine was filled with zombies and octopuses.  Don't be jealous.  Hope yours was filled with giggles and gifts [if you got any voodoo dolls for the holidays, I can totally teach you how they work - but only if you want a leg cramp spell activated.  Haven't read up on the "turn your boss/co-worker into a zombie" spell yet.  Will let you know when I've perfected that].
~Me
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Interestingly enough, there was no response to that last one.  Come to think of it, "Zombie Voodoo Spells at Work" would be a great title for a front page article of a newspaper.

Zombies & Hula Hoops

I have a zombie addiction. And by that I mean I think of myself as a zombie activist. I'm always thinking about the zombies welfare after the Apocalypse.

Here's an example of a typical conversation around the house:
Me: Hey, do you think zombies would be good with hula hoops?
Him: What?
Me: Well, when they're not eating brains, they're just sort of standing there wavering from side to side, so I figure if we gave them hula hoops, it's sort of like a "minimum effort, maximum enjoyment" kind of thing.
Him: Finish watching your zombie movie.
Me: But seriously, do you think they'd enjoy it?
Him: *silence*

These types of conversations go on all the time. So, rather than just annoy, um, I mean entertain my spouse with my ramblings I thought I'd share them with the blog-o-sphere. You're welcome.