Thursday, January 13, 2011

Zombies and the Holidays

Every year I try to convince my co-workers that it would be a nice idea for them to invite a Zombie over for the holidays.  Let's face it, a cemetery is really not a very festive place to spend a holiday [or any other day!].

So the next "big" holiday approaching us is Valentine's Day ... as the grocery stores like to remind me by displaying an over abundance of garish pink and red decorations.  So in the spirit of the upcoming festivities, I'd like to invite you to think about the advantages of bringing a Zombie on a Valentine's Date.


I've listed a few of the positive aspects below:
  • The concept of romance is unknown to zombies, so you won't have to overwhelm them with fancy language, sappy cards, or presents wrapped perfectly with glittery paper.
  • They won't care if you send them flowers and balloons to their office.  Nor will they compare what you brought them with what everyone else received.
  • Zombies will not say things like "Wow, bet her date shopped at [insert some brand name jewelers here]" or "Wow, check out the hooters on that one" while they are with you because they will be TOTALLY focused on you[r brains]. 
  • You don't need to stress over what restaurant you take them to.  Fast food is just fine, thank you very much [as long as the food doesn't run too fast ... the zombie DOES have to eat, ya know].  They won't tell you what to order.  They won't "just have a bite" of your food or "taste" your drink.  Added bonus: if the service stinks, your zombie date will be more than willing to eat the waitress so you won't have to worry about what to tip them.
  • There's no need to waste money by purchasing dessert while your date takes two or three bites and claims they're full.  Zombies don't care about dessert.  Ever.
  • You can dress a zombie in whatever outfit you want and they won't complain or change when you're not looking.
  • Zombies won't care what day it is, so if you "celebrate" Valentine's a day or two [or a week or two] late, you won't have to face their "I can't believe you forgot what day it is" look.
  • Zombies will NOT get jealous over your exes.  They won't tell embarrassing stories about you to complete strangers [or your ex]. 

So there you are ... some truly positive reasons to dig up a date for the holiday.  Sure, there are minor inconveniences with taking a zombie on a date [like the fact that they keep trying to eat your brains] but really, the positive aspects WAY outweigh the bad.  Just saying.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Zombie Sanctuary

I was thinking about what will happen WHEN the zombie Apocalypse happens. If the government acts quickly then they should be able to contain the outbreak, but what would they do with the zombies they rounded up?

In order to assist the government with their little “problem” I should start a Zombie Sanctuary/Zoo. I could house all the zombies in the Sanctuary/Zoo [they could be separated by what area they came from or just let them wander around, whatever] and then charge people outrageous amounts of money to visit the park.

Now, this won't be like a "normal" zoo ... it'll be more like a wild animal safari type park. Which means that the zombies will be loitering around in their contained areas and visitors to the park will get to ride through the zombie's habitats in safari jeeps [seats with glass in the windows will cost extra]. The lack of windows and nothing to separate you from the wandering zombies will bring a whole new level of excitement to visiting the zoo!

Oh sure, there's that little problem of getting people to sign a waiver so that if you or a loved one gets eaten [there's like a 75% chance of not making it out of the park alive, which, understandably will cut down on gift shop sales, but that's why the entrance fee is so outrageous] you can't sue the zoo. Heh. That rhymes. Can't sue the zoo. hehe.

Just think how much a person will value their "I survived the Zombie Sanctuary" tee-shirts when they make it to the zoo's exit! Now there's a story to tell the grandkids! And you just know someone is going to want to feed the zombies, so I could sell buckets o'body parts for a nominal fee [if you don't make it out of the zoo alive, your loved ones can keep your souvenir bucket].

This is SUCH a great idea! So please donate money so I can get working on the Zombie Sanctuary/Zoo right away! Donations of over $10 will earn you a subscription to the Zombie Zoo Goreletter Newsletter. Thanks!

Friday, January 7, 2011

The Cranberries

So, my husband and I are driving and his iPod is playing.  A song comes on and I tell him the chorus sounds like they're saying "Zombies."  He stares at me blankly for a moment then explains that it's a song by The Cranberries called "Zombies" [appropriately named].  I called him a liar.  Guess what?  He's not.  I feel stupid.

Here's the lyrics for you ...

Another head hangs lowly,
Child is slowly taken.
And the violence caused such silence,
Who are we mistaken?

But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying...

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, dou, dou, dou, dou, dou...

Another mother's breakin',
Heart is taking over.
When the vi'lence causes silence,
We must be mistaken.

It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen.
In your head, in your head they're still fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are dying...

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, oh, oh,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, ya, ya-a...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Work Emails

We had a meeting last month and our supervisors reminded us that any emails we sent was equivalent to us speaking for the company, so we should not put anything in an email that we wouldn't want to see on the front page of a newspaper.  I'm never going to be important enough to be on the front page of a newspaper [unless I'm the first victim of a zombie attack, but I digress], so I've continued to send emails like normal.


Here's a shining example of my email correspondance:
From: Me
Sent: Wed, Jan 5, 2011 at 12:00 pm
To: Lori
Re:  XXX's lecture


Dear Lori,
This is the PowerPoint for xxx's lecture for tomorrow ... I won't be here to assist you, so you may want to bring the lecture on a flash drive :)
Me


From: Lori
Sent: Wed, Jan 5, 2001 at 12:31 pm
To: Me
Re: XXX's lecture


Ummm ..... I am very confused!! Are we having the meeting at <insert name of my employer here>?? No one ever officially got back to me about the availability.  Please clarify.  Thanks <Zombie Octopus>!  I hope you had a happy holiday!
Lori


From: Me
Sent: Wed, Jan 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm
To: Lori
Re: XXX lecture


So am I!  I have no idea where the meeting is ... I can't see the room scheduling calendar because I'm way too low on the totem pole and my voodoo spells aren't working [though I do now have a cramp in my left calf which may or may not be related to the voodoo spell attempt, but whatever].

No seriously, I really don't know if they booked you guys a room.  <Enter name of administrative assistant who earns almost as much as I do, even though I run two departments, here> is the queen of the room booking calendar.  I wonder if that title comes with a crown, or if she just gets a crummy "Calendar Queen" type sash.  Bet you it just comes with more work.  Bummer.


I always have a good holiday!  Especially since mine was filled with zombies and octopuses.  Don't be jealous.  Hope yours was filled with giggles and gifts [if you got any voodoo dolls for the holidays, I can totally teach you how they work - but only if you want a leg cramp spell activated.  Haven't read up on the "turn your boss/co-worker into a zombie" spell yet.  Will let you know when I've perfected that].
~Me
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Interestingly enough, there was no response to that last one.  Come to think of it, "Zombie Voodoo Spells at Work" would be a great title for a front page article of a newspaper.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Zombies & Hula Hoops

I have a zombie addiction. And by that I mean I think of myself as a zombie activist. I'm always thinking about the zombies welfare after the Apocalypse.

Here's an example of a typical conversation around the house:
Me: Hey, do you think zombies would be good with hula hoops?
Him: What?
Me: Well, when they're not eating brains, they're just sort of standing there wavering from side to side, so I figure if we gave them hula hoops, it's sort of like a "minimum effort, maximum enjoyment" kind of thing.
Him: Finish watching your zombie movie.

Me: But seriously, do you think they'd enjoy it?
Him: *silence*

These types of conversations go on all the time. So, rather than just annoy, um, I mean entertain my spouse with my ramblings I thought I'd share them with the blog-o-sphere. You're welcome.